Understanding Lust: Lust is defined as an intense sexual desire or appetite. The major key here is not that it is intense; it is that it is sexual. There is nothing wrong with these feelings; in fact, they are an important factor in determining if you will have a long term relationship with someone. It is important, however, to know what exactly lust is.

Understanding Infatuation: Infatuation is defined as a foolish or unreasonable attraction. These are the types of things that initially attract you to your friends. Infatuation is why you like to be around someone. What do you like about them? It is also something crucial to consider when you are choosing a mate as you will stand to spend more of your time on these feelings than any others. This is the area that compatibility tests tend to focus on. Sexual compatibility is secondary.

Understanding Love: Love is defined by its actions. Love is the self-less things you do because you love. You can’t say, “I feel like I am in Love”. The feelings you feel are likely Lust or Infatuation. What you can say is, “I do this because I love”. So, love is defined by its actions. To compare, if you buy your girlfriend flowers because flowers make her happy, then that is love. However, if you buy your girlfriend flowers because you know that if she is happy, she will sleep with you then that is lust.

Exercise: Make a list of feelings that you have for a person. Include in this the things that you do because you love. Do at least 50, but see if you can get 100 or so. Then, go through and classify them by Lust, Infatuation and Love. It’s time consuming, but if you are not willing to do it then maybe you are not ready to make a lifelong choice on a partner.

Analysis: So, do you find that you love the person? This test is not about the numbers. I can’t say that if 50% of the items are under Love that you are in love because everyone is different. Only you can decide this, but by the time you have completed the exercise you should have a solid understanding of your emotions and desires for this person. I would encourage you to reconsider the terms of the relationship if any of the categories are seriously lacking (See Tips and Warnings below).

Ask yourself the following questions.

What will your marriage be like in the first few years if there is no lust?

What will the relationship be like when you are in your 60’s if there is no infatuation?

How long will the relationship last if there is no love; no action?

Reminders

• Encourage your partner to do this exercise as well. Then discuss the results together. (You don’t have to share the individual comments in order to discuss the results.)
• This is an exercise in emotions. Don’t discard a relationship completely based on the results. Consult your partner and consider the areas that are lacking. Work to repair them.
• Don't toss out a relationship based on the results from this article without first discussing the problem with your partner and then trying together to correct it.