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As you are reading this article, no less than one in three women you know are experiencing a loss of interest in sex.
Loss
of libido in women, or low sexual desire, is the most common sexual
problem for women and the main reason they seek sex therapy. It affects
anywhere from 33% to 67% of women, depending on how sexual desire is
defined and reported.
It can happen to men, too – but
because it only affects about half as many men as women, it is not
men’s top sex problem. So what exactly does loss of libido mean for
women and why does it happen?
What Does Loss of Libido Mean?
Sexual desire is one of the most difficult to define because it is more psychological than physiological.
Edward Laumann, lead author of The Social Organization of Sexuality,
a compendium of survey data on sexual practices in the United States,
offers a simple definition: “It is a lack of interest in sex for
several months of the past year.”
In short, women know it when they don’t feel it.
Is Loss of Libido in Women Normal?
Don’t
call loss of libido a disorder. How can it be a dysfunction if
one-third of women, no matter what their age, report that they lose
interest?
This is normal and a growing number of researchers concur.
Low
sexual desire is not a disease, it is the understandable result of an
imbalance in your life…in your relationship, your life circumstances or
your body.
Just because loss of libido in women is
normal and common, however, doesn’t mean you can’t fix it. Many women
feel as if they are letting their partners down. They also feel
alienated and left out in today’s powerfully sexually-charged world
where everyone, from the models in lingerie ads to the doctors on TV,
seem to think of little else besides sex. It’s as if “you’re the only
one who doesn’t get the joke.
“I saw this woman [a
patient] yesterday – for eight years she had no interest sexually; all
she thought about was taking care of her four children and her
husband,” says Esther Perel, a couples and family therapist in New York
City.
“And then slowly, all the other pleasures went, too.
Food. Swimming. Everything about pleasing herself went, one after the
other. She was numb,” Perel says.
There are things women can
do to rekindle desire and bring passion and pleasure back in their
lives. But the first step is to understand why you might be losing
interest.
Even worse, losing interest in sex can mean you
miss out on a lot more than simply one of life’s few non-fattening
pleasures. It can begin to drain the passion out of the rest of your
life, as well.
Why Does It Happen? The Causes of Loss of Libido in Women
- Biology plays a significant role in loss of libido.
For women, sex can have serious consequences – a baby to take care of
for the next twenty years. Not surprising that females seem hard-wired
to approach sex with slightly less abandon than males. “It’s a
control device – pregnancy is a threatening condition for women – it
renders them vulnerable, they can’t run from predators. Men can afford
to have sex at any moment – it doesn’t make them vulnerable. But for
women it’s much riskier, which can cause loss of libido.
- Socialization in our culture causes loss of libido in women. If biology doesn’t get you then social standards will.
“We found that the messages women get from society about double
standards has a big affect on their sexual desire,” Koch says. “I work
with college women, and even though we have Sex and the Cityon
TV saying you can be sexual, women still get the message that it is not
OK. Men are looked at as studs if they are sexual, but the women are
still called sluts.”
- The quality of the relationship affects libido.
For women, desire is elicited in the connection in the relationship. If
we don’t talk and connect, we don’t have sex -- for men, they connect in the sex.For
women, “it’s not what happens in the bedroom – their desire arises when
they are interacting with their partner, just touching, talking, when
they go on a hike or a picnic, that starts to get them sexually
interested. If the quality of those intimate but non-sexual contacts
aren’t being attended to, most women just won’t feel “in the mood.”
- Hormones influence libido.
“Hormonal fluctuations with pregnancy, breast-feeding [resulting in
elevated prolactin levels] – and then with perimenopause later in life
all can lessen desire. Vaginal dryness, which
can result from declining estrogen levels, can make sex painful and
cause loss of libido. Testosterone levels also affect libido in men and
women –and for women that hormone often peaks in their mid-20s and
declines from there until menopause, when levels drop dramatically.
- Medical conditions and medications can cause loss of libido.
Depression and the SSRI anti-depressants used to treat it can also
inhibit desire. So can certain blood pressure lowering drugs.
Conditions such as endometriosis, fibroids and thyroid disorders can
also cause loss of libido in women.
- Changing life stages –and stress -- influence libido.
Life changes – especially the birth of a child – can cause a loss of
libido in women. Among women surveyed in their 20s with a child under
five or six – their lack of interest doubled and tripled. “You don’t
need to be a rocket scientist to figure it out – physical stress and
tiredness are big factors.” Other life changes, such as losing a job or
watching kids leave the nest, can all trigger stress and dampen libido.
10 Tips for Rekindling Sexual Desire
Remember,
frequency is not the measure of a healthy sex drive. Your feelings are
what count. If you look forward to sex, and feel good about it, before
during and after, that is the true measure of libido. Here’s how to
help make your love life interesting and satisfying again.
- Try selfishness to boost libido.
The thing that most inhibits desire in women is caretaking – taking
care of the kids, taking care of the husband. Caretaking makes a woman
think about others. But if you can’t be selfish -- in the most positive
terms it is the capacity to be focused on the self in the presence of
others -- you can’t have an orgasm.”
- Focus on small, private pleasures.
For the woman with four kids feeling a sexual and numb to all pleasure.
The woman must focus on her own simple pleasures. Hire a babysitter and
go to a movie, enjoy a fragrant, leisurely bath – to remind herself she
deserves to feel pleasure. Start small and build.
- Reconnect safely and non-sexually to combat loss of libido.
For many couples, before you can think about improving the sex, it is
important to repair the intimate connection. Hug-Until-You-Relax
technique. It is simply a long hug, with both partners clothed, lasting
5-to-10 minutes – until you feel relaxed and at peace. This
reconnection – maintaining your sense of self when you are emotionally
and physically close to others – is the foundation of passion in a
relationship.
- Changing the scenery fuels libido in women:
Passion feeds on a sense of newness and excitement – boredom is the
enemy. When things get routine it hurts the libido. Get a hotel room,
even in your own town, for a night, to spice things up.” Or change
rooms in the house – who says lovemaking always has to happen in the
bedroom?
- Try self-stimulation to help loss of libido: Women
who are able to masturbate are more likely to be more satisfied with a
partner and experience orgasm more consistently. It is a myth that if
women enjoy masturbation, they won’t want a partner – it’s the reverse.
You learn what feels good and you can express that to your partner, and
guide your partner.
- Talk about what you like and want to boost libido:
The worst thing you can do, if you have been avoiding sex together, is
to stop talking about it as if the problem will disappear. To keep the
distance between you from growing, talk about your willingness to
connect. Read sex books together, look at the pictures, laugh – and let
your partner know what you’d like him to try with you -- next time – to
take off any immediate pressure.
- Use lubricants to combat loss of libido in women.
Vaginal dryness does not have to get in the way of enjoyment. If you go
outside the local pharmacy to a sex shop (see Tip 10), you can find a
wide variety of lubricants, in different flavors and aromas. Just
shopping for them together can be erotic. Estrogen cream, applied
directly into the vagina, can help increase vaginal secretions. Unlike
oral estrogens that carry some cancer risks, estrogen creams are
considered generally safe. Still, talk with your doctor about whether
this treatment might be right for you before trying it.
- Stop worrying about how you look…naked and otherwise.
Research shows that women are harsher on evaluating their own bodies
than men are. Your partner probably finds you more attractive than you
think you are. So relax and be kinder to yourself -- enjoy.
- Focus on the whole body to combat loss of libido.
Where sexual satisfaction is concerned, paradoxically, the longer,
meandering route can be the shortest path to pleasure. Don’t head
straight for the genitals – encourage your partner, by example, to
tease and take detours. Be pleasure oriented, not goal oriented.
Continue to take your time even when you shift gears into a more sexual
mode. And remember, it is not only your partner’s job to turn you on,
desire should begin with you.
- Have realistic expectations to avoid loss of libido.
Be realistic in your expectations. Women can take about three times as
long (or longer) to reach orgasm as men and, by some estimates, only
“26% of women report that they always have orgasms. But even without
the Big O, women report enjoying the sex and feeling closer to their
partner afterwards. So mentally shift gears from Mommy Mode to Sex
Goddess Mode. And give yourself permission to try new things -- you may
surprise yourself. No absolutes –lingerie, sex toys, pornography – it’s
what works and is safe and consensual and pleasing to both partners.
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